dipstick

Subject: NEWS FLASH

Date: Wed, 3 Aug 2005, 11:46:45 +0100

As you are probably aware, a serious tornado recently hit parts of southern Birmingham. News of the disaster was swiftly
carried to the civilized world by pay-as-you-go SMS messages.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "blooooodyell" and "yamroite?".

The tornado decimated the area, causing several pounds worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair, including a
stuffed donkey and a sombrero.

Several historic Ford Sierras and Nissan Bluebirds were blown off their brick plinths. A large number of 1980s 3-series
BMWs had their alloy wheels damaged, and numerous Renault Clios had their tinted windows blown out.

Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

One resident, Sharon Knowles, a 15-year-old single mother of seven, said: "It was such a shock, my little Beyonce came running into my bedroom, crying. My youngest two, Azif and Delbert, slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Another resident, community worker Royston Akimose, 38, said: "I was 'avin' a meetin' wiv a business associate, the sky went
dark, an, de next fing I know, me ganja is blown all over 'is Impreza!"

Apparently looting and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster.
The most sought-after items are:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his & hers)
Von Dutch T-shirts
White sports socks
Acne cream
Remote control batteries
Rockport boots
Elizabeth Duke jewellery
Bone china from Pound Stretcher

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include microwaveable meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream, and bottles of Smirnoff Ice.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation & benefit forms, £2.00 buys fish, chips & blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, and £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of luxury accommodation is unfair on the population in neighbouring areas.