Ze story of ze Stuka.

**wonwinglo** · 01-05-2004

Ze fantastic story of Ze Stuka dive bomber,as related by Baron Von Fritz Frier to Wonwinglo-

Vell, vell, vell…
Now zat ve haf heard der American propaganda about ze invenzion of ze
Stuka, I vill now tell you ze REAL story of zis exzellent aeroplane!

First, is true dat Ernst Udet observed der Curtiss aeroplanes und ze
silly attempts to "dive bomb." Herr Udet thought zis vas so funny dat
he purchased some to send to der kamerades back in ze Fatherland. Zis
vas so zey could all gather around und have a good laugh at zese
pitiful contrapzions! Meanwhile back in der Rheinland, ze "dive
bombing" konzept vas already long in practice. Zis idea was of course
invented by ze great (but unknown) pilot, named Bjorn Teube Weihld.
Bjorn had been drinken ze bier und vas totally schlitz-faced while
flying his Heinkel vun day. In a spasm of nausea he akzidentally put
der aeroplane into ze steep dive, und pulled out just in ze same
moment dat he regurgitated a lovely dinner of Fleischwurst und
Saurkraut! It so happened zat a crowd vas gathered at a Strudel-Fest
below, und zey were suddenly coated in dis reeking mass of vomitous
fluid. So horrible vas ze stench dat zey all puked up de pastries dey
had been sampling! Oh Gott, ze mess vas terrible! Herr Weihld
recognized ze potential for destruction und immediately took ze idea
to Luftwaffe headquarters.

As dere were no words in ze language to describe ze "dive bomber," it
was called "Sturzkampfflugzeug" for short! Der first military version
vas not so good at diving, und smashed its belly into ze ground on ze
first attempt! Ze test pilot vas named R. Baum Hertz, und he survived
vith minor injuries. Ze aircraft itself… vell, der wing had broken
into ze now famous "inverted gull" konfiguration, und a vast
improvement was made!

Development of ze canopy is also interesting. At first it was vith
ze "open" kockpit, like ze dufus Curtiss machines. But dere was a
little incident when a zigarette dropped in der seat was fanned by ze
wind, und became big fire. Lt. Bernd R. Sachs survived vith painful
injuries, und it vas determined dat a closed kockpit was best. But it
vas still a tiny space for ze pilot. Dis small area proved to be a
big problem when Lt. Klaus Trophe Obec went inzane und jumped out of
ze perfektly fine aeroplane! Thus it was decided to maken ze cockpit
nice und big, und so we have ze famous "greenhouse" canopy!

A fantastik war machine vas taking shape, ja? But still dere vere
some problems. Ze Stuka dive-bomber vas terribly underpowered, und
two pilots went kaput on takeoffs - Lt. I. Gotz Hertz, und Kpt. Hans
R. Bernt. Zis problem vas finally solved vith a more powerful motor,
invented by ze famous engineer Goering Reihl Faust. Much like Herr
Udet, Herr Faust also loved his alkohol und could not werk without
it. Few people know zat ze radiator scoop on der Stuka vas enlarged
by Herr Faust to keep his biers on ice as he werked on ze engines!

Zere is much more to zay about ze history of der Stuka, und perhaps I
vill tell you more soon! I write zese things to you, dear kamerades,
so zat you vill know ze truth – dat it is ze genius of der Fatherland
behind zis most exzellent dive-bomber. Do not believe ze tricky
American stories!

adzam · 01-05-2004

i`ll re-read this when the beer goggles wear off

01-05-2004

Look, I read this damn thing hours ago but I'm still going about talking like it! Proper doin' me 'ed in it is!

**wonwinglo** · 01-05-2004

Glad that you liked it,it gets you that way after a bit ! Adzam try reading it through the bottom of your beer glass it becomes much clearer then.

10-05-2004

Dear Baron:

I find your history of the Ju 87 Stuka...er...something less than informative. Perhaps I missed the inspiration for it.

In the right hands, the stuka was a formidable weapon and soldiered its
way through the war with distinction.

The problem with the dive bombing concept was that Hitler applied it to aircraft not suited for that purpose, like the He 177 bomber. Applying dive brakes did not convert the bomber to a dive bomber role.

The problem with the stuka was that it was slow and vulnerable to attack. When it first rolled out, it was sleek and fast for its time. Later in the war it was just too slow. By then it should have had a fighter escourt to protect it.

**wonwinglo** · 13-05-2004

If you are after information on the Stuka then there are plenty of sources both on and off line,the piece was purely intended as a piece of humour nothing else ! perhaps it should have been placed into the jokes area where it would have had more obvious intentions ?