 The Drunk
I love this one:
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty pond note in your top pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill".
"Brilliant idea" says the first drunk, so they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker, naturally.
Eventually he staggers off home and his wife, as expected, starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty quid for the cleaning bill. Look in my top pocket."
She looks in his pocket and says, "But this is forty quid".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pissed on my trousers as well". | 
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