American Humor

**GEEDUBBYA** · 03-07-2006

There were two Blondes sitting in a room. One was reading the newspaper. The headlines read "Two Brazillian soldiers killed". She sat there a minute then looked to the other blonde and said "How many is a brazillian"?

There were two Blondes, one on one side of a river, the other on the opposite side. The first Blonde hollars over to the second one "How do you get to the other side?" The second Blonde says "Duh, you are on THE OTHER SIDE!"

For the first two years I was married, I thought toast had bones. It turns out my wife was making pork chops.

My ex was was a large woman, she was so large, the last time we made love, I went to roll off of her, rolled over three times and was still ontop of her.

My ex was so large that when we went on vacation in florida, she was laid out on the beach and 12 guys tried to put her back in the water.

My ex was so large, her shadow weighed 43 pounds.

dont get me wrong, I do not want a big truck to run over my ex wife..... a small truck will do.

TIP FOR THE DAY: One thing that should never be said while making love........."Maybe on second thought, we SHOULD turn out the lights". (this tends to ruin the mood).

A 80 yr old man bought a corvette. He was out on the highway when he decided to see just how fast the car would go. 50 mph......70 mph....90 mph...110 mph.... it was then he saw a policeman behind him with his lights and siren going. The old man thought to himself "I can out run him". 115 mph, 120 mph... 130 mph. Then he thought again "I am too old to be doing this" so he stopped and the policeman walked up to the car and said "Sir, I only have 10 minutes left on my shift, if you can give me a reason I have never heard before as to why you were speeding like that, I will let you go". The old man thought a minute and said "My wife ran off with a policeman a few years ago, I thought you were bringing her back".

Have a good day,

Greg aka GW

**rjwood_uk** · 03-07-2006

ha i loved the last one...brilliant!!!

tigertc · 03-07-2006

Genius GW, "I thought you were bringing her back"
lmao

**GEEDUBBYA** · 03-07-2006

Howdy Guys,

That joke about the old man and the policeman seems to be one that everybody likes no matter where I tell it. Now here is one from Rick Steffers, one of the admins over at www.cardmodels.net .

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Have a good day all,

Greg aka GW

**rjwood_uk** · 03-07-2006

bunk told that the other day

**wonwinglo** · 03-07-2006

I thought that I had heard that before ? great jokes Greg,its funny how different coutries have varying humour styles,but if they make us laugh then who cares ? if we can laugh at ourselves then that is really good, humour is so important,the best bunch of lads that I ever worked with were all ex R.A.F,talk about fun ! they knew every joke in the book,I also realised that there was a new language to learn 'Gig' was slang for petrol,a 'Gig stick' was a crafty device for draining petrol from the tanks of redundant abandonded airliners,a 'Blinder' was when you did a job but did not really know what you were doing ? ie 'Playing a blinder' some of the sayings were extremely rude,and left nothing to the imagination.
I put the humour down to the boredom of everyday mundane tasks that they could do blindfold,they needed to keep sane.

**GEEDUBBYA** · 03-07-2006

Howdy Guys,

I am Back....this time with one I used to tell.

This String walks into a bar, sits down and the bartender says "Hey, get out of here, we dont serve your type".
The String gets up and leaves. After he gets out of the bar he walks down the alley beside the bar and two thugs beat him up, fray his ends and tie him into a knot.
He staggers back into the bar, sits down and the bartender says "Hey, arent you that string that was in here a minute ago?" The String says "No Sir, I am A FRAYED KNOT.

lol

This Termite walks into a bar and asks "Where is the bar tender?"

Did you hear about the baby fur seal that walked into a club?

A woman had a contractor come to give her an estimate on painting the rooms in her house. The Man came in the house and the woman said "I was thinking we could paint the living room a light sky blue". The man said "sure, no problem". He then walked over to the window, raised it, stuck his head out and yelled "Green side up!". The woman thought this strange but said nothing.
They went into the next room which was the dining room. She said "I was thinking a nice cheery color, maybe a sunrise yellow". The man said "sure, no problem". He then went to the window, raised it and yelled "Green side up!" Again the woman looked at him and again she said nothing.
They walked upstairs to the bedroom. The woman said "I was thinking about a nice soft pink for this room". The man said "Sure, no problem". Then walked to the window, raised it, and yelled "Green side up!"
Well this time the woman looked at him and then said, "Why do you stick your head out of my window and yell "Green side up!" each time I tell you what color I want to paint a room? The man said "Oh, being a contractor, I have several jobs going at once, I have a crew of blondes over at the house across the street laying sod.

Ok, I got a million of em' and thats just 4 of em' only 999,996 to go. lol

Have a good day all,

Greg aka GW

**rjwood_uk** · 03-07-2006

lol, i told the sting one ages ago!!!

i think that ones more of british humor but there ya go!

**GEEDUBBYA** · 03-07-2006

Me again,

People look at me funny when I tell them I hear voices, they look at me even funnier when I tell them its not the voices that bother me.........its the instructions that come with them.

But doctors tell me that the reason I hear voices is because I never knew my mother.....she ran away before i was born.

Yep, they made me and then they broke the mold........then they took out the mold maker and had him executed!

I was going to be a comedian, but people laughed at me so I quit!

only 999,992 to go!

Have a good day,

Greg aka GW

Phoenix · 03-07-2006

lol

that last one i good