For those not 'in the know' as they say, I had a plan to rid the world of the scourge of Marmite.
I realised my original plan to send stocks of M into space via rocket would not work and I outlined my revised plan briefly here a couple of weeks ago:
My rather simplistic approach has been modified yet again. It started as:
1) Locate all stocks of M
2) Destroy them
3) Find all the sufferers (should be fairly simple as they'll all be exhibiting withdrawal symptoms)
4) Find a cure for their addiction.
I have engaged the services of Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender - the leading iatrist regarding the study of the workings of the human mind and Doctor Bernard Raines (No relationship to the actor Claude) - the world's foremost ologist on the structure of the human brain. They have studied the issue and arrived at a much simpler plan which I will ask Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender to explain:
"Zank you Gern. Vhile your original plan seemed razer simple, you missed ze essential point und made it unnecessarily complicated! Ha ha! Zer is no need to destroy stocks of ze substance in qvestion. No indeed ha ha ha! Vot ve must do is simply remove ze craving zat people have for zis obnoxious substance! Vonce ze subjects no longer desire zis substance, zey vill no longer purchase it und ze company vill stop production! Simple ja? Ha ha! Ha ha!
Mit ze help of mein colleague Doctor Raines, I haf devised a method of changing ze area of ze brain vhich creates ze desire, zo zat ze sufferer vill no longer vant ze substance! Haa haa! Zis vill be done mit a projector using vavelengths vhich vill ONLY affect ze area of ze brain vhich is responsible for our choice of foodstuffs. Haa haa! He or she vill find zeir taste has changed zo zat zey prefer ozzer substances to eat. Haaa haaa haaa! Zose who do not desire ze substance vill be completely unaffected by ze projected rays! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
My plan has ze brilliance of total simplicity und zerefore VILL NOT BE STOPPED until complete DOMINANCE over ze tastes of our citizens is achieved! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
I must state zat my process is COMPLETELY SAFE und vill cause NO ozzer side effects! HA HA HA! HAA HAA HAA! Vonce ze change has occurred, und our operation has been SUCCESSFUL, I vill dismantle ze machine und NOT use it in ANY VAY to change political beliefs! HA HA HA! You haf my VORD on zat! HA HA! HA HA HA! I haf NO desire for VORLD DOMINATION at all - HAAA HAAA HAAA - alzough a simple change in ze broadcast frequencies vould allow me to do zat! HAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA!!! HAA HAA HAA HAA!!!"
Thank you Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender. Can I ask if you have taken your medication today?
You haven't?
Might I suggest you do that now before you and Dr Raines start work on your projector?
I realise there will be resistance to my - Sorry! Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender's plan - so my intention is to set up a secret operational base. I have acquired an old, dismantled aircraft hanger which will be erected at a secret location. There will be a laboratory where Dr Raines and Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender will develop and refine their projector. Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender tells me the projector will require a lot of power so it will be necessary to use two vehicles - one to carry the projector and power generator and the other to carry the fuel supply for the generator. With this in mind I have acquired two old military surplus vehicles for use in a field test of the projector, so I will also need a small workshop with facilities to make any necessary mechanical changes to the vehicles.
Staff working at the base will be told that the project is designed to eliminate the need for satellites to transmit mobile phone signals - hence the need for such powerful projectors. This will hopefully prevent any sabotage attempts by M lovers, although they will be screened for this as part of their recruitment process.
THE GREAT WORK HAS BEGUN!
PS I must thank Chris for breaking through the barriers of my senility and reminding me of my original intention to remove this dreadful affliction from the face of the Earth!
I realised my original plan to send stocks of M into space via rocket would not work and I outlined my revised plan briefly here a couple of weeks ago:
My rather simplistic approach has been modified yet again. It started as:
1) Locate all stocks of M
2) Destroy them
3) Find all the sufferers (should be fairly simple as they'll all be exhibiting withdrawal symptoms)
4) Find a cure for their addiction.
I have engaged the services of Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender - the leading iatrist regarding the study of the workings of the human mind and Doctor Bernard Raines (No relationship to the actor Claude) - the world's foremost ologist on the structure of the human brain. They have studied the issue and arrived at a much simpler plan which I will ask Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender to explain:
"Zank you Gern. Vhile your original plan seemed razer simple, you missed ze essential point und made it unnecessarily complicated! Ha ha! Zer is no need to destroy stocks of ze substance in qvestion. No indeed ha ha ha! Vot ve must do is simply remove ze craving zat people have for zis obnoxious substance! Vonce ze subjects no longer desire zis substance, zey vill no longer purchase it und ze company vill stop production! Simple ja? Ha ha! Ha ha!
Mit ze help of mein colleague Doctor Raines, I haf devised a method of changing ze area of ze brain vhich creates ze desire, zo zat ze sufferer vill no longer vant ze substance! Haa haa! Zis vill be done mit a projector using vavelengths vhich vill ONLY affect ze area of ze brain vhich is responsible for our choice of foodstuffs. Haa haa! He or she vill find zeir taste has changed zo zat zey prefer ozzer substances to eat. Haaa haaa haaa! Zose who do not desire ze substance vill be completely unaffected by ze projected rays! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
My plan has ze brilliance of total simplicity und zerefore VILL NOT BE STOPPED until complete DOMINANCE over ze tastes of our citizens is achieved! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
I must state zat my process is COMPLETELY SAFE und vill cause NO ozzer side effects! HA HA HA! HAA HAA HAA! Vonce ze change has occurred, und our operation has been SUCCESSFUL, I vill dismantle ze machine und NOT use it in ANY VAY to change political beliefs! HA HA HA! You haf my VORD on zat! HA HA! HA HA HA! I haf NO desire for VORLD DOMINATION at all - HAAA HAAA HAAA - alzough a simple change in ze broadcast frequencies vould allow me to do zat! HAAA HAAA HAAA HAAA!!! HAA HAA HAA HAA!!!"
Thank you Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender. Can I ask if you have taken your medication today?
You haven't?
Might I suggest you do that now before you and Dr Raines start work on your projector?
I realise there will be resistance to my - Sorry! Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender's plan - so my intention is to set up a secret operational base. I have acquired an old, dismantled aircraft hanger which will be erected at a secret location. There will be a laboratory where Dr Raines and Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender will develop and refine their projector. Herr Professor Doktor Mindbender tells me the projector will require a lot of power so it will be necessary to use two vehicles - one to carry the projector and power generator and the other to carry the fuel supply for the generator. With this in mind I have acquired two old military surplus vehicles for use in a field test of the projector, so I will also need a small workshop with facilities to make any necessary mechanical changes to the vehicles.
Staff working at the base will be told that the project is designed to eliminate the need for satellites to transmit mobile phone signals - hence the need for such powerful projectors. This will hopefully prevent any sabotage attempts by M lovers, although they will be screened for this as part of their recruitment process.
THE GREAT WORK HAS BEGUN!
PS I must thank Chris for breaking through the barriers of my senility and reminding me of my original intention to remove this dreadful affliction from the face of the Earth!
